I am the bad guy.....
Yeah it's true.....I'm the one who gets upset when I come home and find Tom inebriated, music so loud the words can be heard in the driveway.
I "ruin" his evenings by "fussing" because he won't tell me the truth about his consumption.
I am the nag. I won't let him enjoy himself in his own home. He should be able to play his CD's as loud as he wants too, drink as much as he can, borrow money from my Grandmother (for cigs & alcohol), and rant and rave because I don't let him have access to his own money.
It is my fault that he overdraws the checking account. Another error is that I become irrational in my quest for peace in my home. I ask for unreasonable measures; how dare I ask for the volume to be lowered on the TV so that my daughter can get a good night's sleep.
Also among my many faults is a mortgage, vehicle payments, phone bills, electric bills (not once did he mention the Direct TV!) and insurance not to mention food and water and gas. Plus I am jealous because he gets to stay at home and rake in retirement money while I have to go to a job.
And I've bailed him out of a destructive lifestyle and he wouldn't be alive today if not for me. Plus I make him take us to visit his family at Christmas and also other mini vacations during the year when able.
Oh yeah, don't forget that I drive the truck on the weekends and now he's low on gas...shame on me. But I must be forgiven for that one since I just ran down to the station and filled it up for him.
Hmmm, what have I left out?
Oh yeah, I am ungrateful for the many things that he does....rarely do I say "good job" or "thanks" or "don't worry, go ahead and yell and scare Miss T". It is also bad for me to expect that he do the things he says he will do and be in the places he says.
Another fault I have is picking up his medicine and making sure he remembers his Dr appointments or birthdays of family members. Most of the time I don't even know what I'm talking about much less "have a clue".
What kind of self respecting wife does such awful stuff???
I must be nuts!
16 comments:
I think we are all nuts. LOL. It's hard to be a good wife at times. You have lots going on with your hubby. You do a great job.
im so sorry to say but thats all called enableing him to continue on the path he is on ..stop picking up the pieces maybe hell get the hint he cant continue the way he is going ...iam a divorced women who lived the same nightmare 21years til i stopped enabling my ex then and only when i finally left him to deal on his own did he even try to recover from the drinking hes now sober since 2000,but it was just too late for us as a couple.. life goes on...god bless you and i hope it all ends for you like you want it too bless you .... i mean no harm by this only hope to help in some way bless you and missT..i was the reason he drank in his world.... not ........bless you all and may he find strength to eeeend this vicious cycle of alcolholism,and neglect of his respnsibilitys AA works you just gotta work it ...
Enabler was the first word that came to my mind too. Sounds like it is way past time for some tough love. You have yourself and your family to think of. Stop being a mother to him and let him sink or swim without using you as a life preserver. You deserve more. Hang in there girl...
I think you said at one time you had gone to Al Anon. Apparently the time was not right for you then. How about going back, listen, keep an open mind and start getting some real peace in your life? This constant merry-go-round is not good for your health, physical, mental, or spiritual! There is AlAteen for Miss T also. There are so many of us who have lived the life you write about. We understand and care. Bless you and your family.
There is no easy answer here. It is up to you as to what you want to do of course. They longer things stay the same the longer he will continue his ways. Of course he may do so whether you are there or not. It sounds as if he is in self destruct mode and is feeling sorry for himself. You cannot live his life, so I suggest you live your life and decide upon where you see your life going from here on out. I know you keep hoping for him to change. He may never do so. Hope can run eternal but I have to say that you should not be naive. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm analyzing you but it is me by nature, it is what I do for a living. Anyway Sharon, don't allow this to bring you down so much that you don't have respect for yourself as well. You seem strong, but also aprehensive and maybe a bit scared. Life of course isn't easy and they may get even worse for you. Stay strong, and always do your best to keep a smile on your face. : )
Allison
Of course the blame goes to you. Do you think he knows' it's really his fault? Yes, but untill he admitts it, there will be problems.
Try some meetings again, I know someone else suggested it. It could help.
hugs,
Ellen
sounds like a dr. phil show to me
You do a lot of positive things, but you know it. It goes to what my counselor shared with me. You can't change the other person, you can only change you. I have started taking a whole lot of baby steps towards that mentality and it is helping me not to go insane, lol. I hope you find your way through all of this and am sorry he is who he is.
I'm so sorry that he feels this way towards you! You've done more and put up with more for the sake of family, than most women would.
Missie
I don't know, but you should be ashamed of yourself!! Tom will always see you as the "bad" person, because that is how he feels about himself, and he doesn't think he has the power to change. Doesn't realize that HE IS THE ONLY ONE that can change him. I hope your life gets better, Sharon, this is a sucky way to live.
xoxo ~Myra
It's time to show him the door. He is the only one with the problem. Not you. Which of course you knew. Praying for you.
Traci
At times like this you won't always hear what you want to hear - Would you rather be healthy and alone or sick and with someone! I know it's easier said then done, but at this point it seems as though you have had your fill! My thoughts and prayers are with you and Ms. T in hopes you find some comfort soon! Take care of you my friend,
Katie
ask yourself this: could I be any MORE miserable without him? if the answer is no, I would say he has had enough chances. of course, it's easier said than done I know. Praying for you & your family.
hugs
melissa
I am so sorry you are going through all this. Prayers!! I know what it is like to have an alcoholic for a husband, which is why my first husband and I are parted. Hang in there and just keep praying and God will tell you what to do.
Hugs,
Lisa
I trust you will do what is best for you. I think you have done your best and all you have to show for it is being brought down and made to feel way below the level that you are. Try to look at your situatoin objectively and not emotionally and decide what will be best for you.
Phil
I'm so sorry (((Sharon))), you shouldn't have to deal with this. You know you've already done everything you could do to help him -- he has to want to help himself and it doesn't sound like he wants to. Only you can decide when you've had enough ::sigh::
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