Saturday, June 21, 2008

Bad Me......????

First I will remind myself and others that I did not ask for an alcoholic Father.  I didn't select this man to give me life, this man that is totally unable to own up to being a father.

He was never around when I was growing up - well he was rarely around.  As a union electrician he felt it best to work out of town because that's where the money was.

But his family didn't see much of that at all.  If it had not been for my Papa and Nanny we would have been starving and naked.

In a few weeks I will be 43.

I have not talked with my Father since late Feb/early March when we were making plans to attend an out of town dance competition.  That was fine with me.

At that time he was about to have a court date.  Seems one of his latest "girlfriend's" fell and broke a wrist and of course they arrested him for assault / resisting arrest and who knows what.

I just figured he was in jail.

Until 3 days ago.  He called and I ignored the phone because at first I didn't recognize the number.

Then I told Miss T who it was and she answered it...talked then gave me the phone.

He had obviously had a couple of drinks.


This man is uncapable of being a "father".

The conversation is always more of a joke....lots of jokes.  He is not concerned with our welfare or life.  He just checks in every once and a while to "look good".

Last night his number popped up on my caller ID....Miss T said "who is it?" and when I told her, even she wouldn't answer the phone.  He rang my cell 2x....then my Mom called to say he had called her house "because it's important".....yeah right.  I turned off the cell.

It's usually "someone is after" him; or he's sad and lonely living in the past, "boo hoo I lost your Momma" BS.  They've been divorced for over 30 years GET OVER IT and stop whining to me about it I DON'T CARE!!

How horrible.

I don't care.  I really don't.  It wouldn't hurt my feelings one bit if he never called again.  Is that so terrible?  

Once upon a time I would have given anything to be Daddy's girl; I think I actually had some fantasy idol imagry of him.

But not anymore.

It's a part of my life that is soooooooo in the past that I don't care much to dig it up. 

My father doesn't have any children that will have a relationship with him.  My brother was adopted by my stepDad and his 2 kids will NEVER know my Father; my oldest brother (which I never found out about until I was 22) doesn't have a relationship with him either nor does his daughter.

So he's basically "alone" in this world except for a sister and an aunt and her family that puts up with him.

From time to time I have family historical questions I'd like answered but there is only one person left on that side of my family that might could answer those.  My great-grandfather was of Indian descent somehow....that's the questions I'd like the answer to.  His only living daughter has the family Bible.  Guess I could call her before she expires.  Once her kids get it, I'll never get the information.

I have not seen my Father's sister in years.  Last time I laid eyes on her, we were both going into the same store and I made sure she was in way before me and I stayed on the opposite side at all times.

I didn't want to hear it or get into it with her.

She doesn't bother to contact me and I didn't want to be chastized for "you never call me".

Well the shoe fits both feet ladies and gentlemen!  And way back when you would drive PAST my house to take MY GRANDMOTHER somewhere and NEVER STOP still sticks in my mind.

Forgive and forget?  I have for the most part.  I just don't have any desire to be a part of that side of the family.


garnett109 said...

What troubles me about all this is your 43?

deshelestraci said...

Sounds like a good thing to cut the ties.  Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

chat2missie said...

We all have to do what we have to do in life to stay sane.  Some people might say, "well, he's still your father", I say, it takes more to be a father then being a sperm doner!

mariebm56 said...

I was married to an alcoholic, He has hurt my kids many times.(& I hate him for that)  But they still love him & accept him with all his faults.  
Alcoholics hurt EVERYONE around them.

emabecmar said...

you gotta do what keeps you happy, and if it takes disowning someone, then so be it. ((((((Hugs))))))

fieldpixie272 said...

these feelings you have are universal, every child of an alcoholic or drug addict or crazy person has these feelings, if things went unresolved and there is nothing you can do about it, except come to terms with it like you have.
I read a comment that said what bothered them was that you were 43....I'm not sure what that meant, but I am 40 and because of childhood trauma have basically cut my father out of my life and alot of family members dont like it, and I end up looking like a black sheep.  Well thats fine, I'd rather be thought of as bad than continue being battered emotionally.  Its not that you havent forgiven, you have, you just choose not to continue giving them the opportunity to hurt you further.

imgr8phil said...

It seems like all the men in your life are alcoholics.  I didn't realize your dad was that way too.  You and Miss T have so much in common.  I feel bad for you, too many people in your life letting you down like that.  You are strong and you are the glue that keep what you have, together.  Take care and have a good Sunday.


cacklinrosie101 said...

Sounds like my ex and my kids except he's putting his misery into a new wife..blah.  Still a lonely old man.  I leave it up to my three as to how much they want to deal with him.  Not much but that's his loss.  I saw Phil's comment....are you still surrounding yourself with alcoholics?  My oldest was doing that.  Some fathers are just sperm donors.  Mine was a saint; then I married the opposite.  Love ya, Chris

cuteallison1980 said...

I had no idea that you had a dad that was an alcoholic too.  You sure do a good job holding it all together with all of that going on around you.  I know Miss T gives you love and keeps you grounded which is a very good thing in your life.  Hope you have a happy Sunday.  Luv ya! : )


eml625 said...

((((( Sharon )))))))
Man you have a lot on your plate to deal with. God Bless you !
I give you alot of credit my friend.

queeniemart said...

You & i have a lot in common, huh?! I am glad you are past it all and are able to not get that phone either. Who wants pain from an addict who is so self absorbed that they do not have a compassionate bone in their body? Not me.
i love you!

hugsdoodlewacky said...

(((((((((((((((((((((HUGSTOYOU))))))))))))))))))))))I am sorry you had to go through all you had in the past,its good that you put it in the past.I have a hard time dealing with things and I dont put them in the past.You have grown uo to be a fine young woemn/mother.Have a nice night.

sunnybethe said...

Hugs Hun...I guess you are just going to have to call her.  ~Bethe

luddie343 said...

I hope this comes out right, my friend.  He isnt a true father.  But you cant call anyone else that.  Ever.  No matter how low, how despicable, how unfeeling, drunk and uncaring he can be and always may be, what have you to lose by taking his calls and letting him just rant on and on about nothing?  It can't hurt you because you have no connection to him as you say, you lost your "daughterly affection" so why not let this man, a human being, someone God adores, continue calling you no matter what he says?  Someday all you'll have is the worst memories of all, instead of what just may turn out to be something of value:  the time you gave him while he was alive.  Experience speaking.  xoxo Love CATHY talk to me if u want