Thursday, November 30, 2006

Nutz Pics and Weekend Plans

Here are some pics taken from the audience by a friend of mine (I know, we weren't s'posed to take pics but WHAAAAAA!)  She didn't use a flash, used her night resolution on day time and, well, some of them she's gonna have to tweek a bit.  But I thought I'd share them with you now anyway.

I think I'm really gonna miss this show next year.  I don't know what we'll get in to next.  Maybe the Thalian Hall Association group that does local plays using local talent.

Tomorrow Tom hops a plane to NY to see his 2 daughters for the first time in 9 years.  He's quite apprehensive.  He plans to have dinner with the oldest (30) Friday night, and meet up with the youngest (23) Saturday night.  An old friend has offered to let Mr Man stay with him while he's there, so that helps on hotel costs.  They'll have fun catching up I'm sure.  It's the girls we're worried about.......long, story.  I think I've told it before in here.  Mr Man will be heading home Sunday afternoon just as his NY Football Giants are hitting the stadium.....boy was he NOT a happy camper last weekend when they threw away that game.

Miss T has a birthday party/sleepover to attend Saturday all alone......whatever can I get myself into????  If I were smart I'd take advantage of the quiet and alone time to ORGANIZE & CLEAN my house.  We did get the tree up Tuesday night, lights on and some decorations.  Miss T finished decorating it yesterday.  Looks good.  Now I gotta get on the rest of the decor and the outside.  Sometimes I just don't want to bother.  I think I'm getting the Bah-humbug's.

Years ago my Nanny gave me an ornament of Maxine saying "This is as merry as I get".   I love it.  Tara hates it and constantly takes it off the tree or hides it in the back.  I should take a pic of it, just in case it ends up MIA.

Next weekend (Friday) is the premier of a friend of mine's movie "White Men Can't Dance" and I can say that from watching the trailer, it is awesome.  If it comes to your town, please check it out.  We're going to the Red Carpet Affair (I think) next Friday.  For more info click on and find the link to films on this website.  It has a great write up.  I'm excited for Pete.  It has taken him about 10 years to get this all together.  The story line reminds me of "Shall We Dance?" except that in Pete's movie he's doing it to raise money to pay for his daughter's medical bills.  I won't spoil it for you....but YES that IS him doing all his own dancing.

And on Saturday (9th) we're heading to Raleigh to see "Disney Princesses On Ice".  That is also the day that my verybestfriendinthewholewideworldCindilouwho comes home.  WOOOOOO HOOOOOO.  I've missed her!

Signing out.....................



Wednesday, November 29, 2006

George Carlin's Rules for 2007


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! 
There's reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team
is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull.
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found
in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with
their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of
your idols. If  you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care  about your eyebrows:
Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water,
but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people.
Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and
order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from
sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back,
and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters
in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it actually translates to "beef with broccoli."
The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God
you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was
just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting?
Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." 

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M.
If I'm extra hungry for an M&M, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the
first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule (and this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants!
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there,
or just some freak with a fetish.
Don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to
know in months. Not "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine.
He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.


How the "Left" Stole Christmas

Twas the month before Christmas
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying
Nor taking a stand.
See the PC Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a "Holiday".
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace.
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Some Nutcracker Pics...

A few shots for ya before I hit the hay!

My girlfriend was in the audience with her night vision camera and took some awesome shots that I'll have to share with you tomorrow.

Lots of tears were shed tonight....being the last show and all.  We had a sold out house!!!!  Whatta send off!

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Oh my aching nuts........ arches....I was on my feet ALL DAY Friday for Dress Rehearsal.  Thank GOD I decided to take it easy this production eh?

Well I certainly hope everyone enjoyed their Bird Day with all the trimmings......we did...overate of course.  Mom cooked the turkey and dressing, I brought over the brother's favs, brocolli casserole and sweet potato souffle and made the mashed potatoes.  Nanny made the collards!!!  My SIL only eats green beans...go figure.  As always there were plenty of left overs, which suits me fine.  I love me some cold turkey on a sandwich.

So here I sit this afternoon, just checking in on y'all....I'll be Nutcrackin' tonight at 7pm and Sunday at 3pm.  Then it's "see ya"!!!

I did look online for plays for this spring for Miss T to get involved in...we'll have to talk that over and see how her school work is going by February.

I've got an extra kid with me I've got to get all three of us showered...making sure to hit all the pitz n splits!!!  Then it's off to see the Prince of the Land of Sweets and his Sugar Plum Fairy. 

I hope to get more pictures today, it is so hard to do during dress rehearsal and we're not allowed to take any on the stage.  I can get a couple of good shots during intermission with Miss T on stage in her Winter Sprite outfit, but I won't be able to get one in the Waltz.  Oh well......

Break a leg..................

Monday, November 20, 2006

Dear Alcohol,

Dear Alcohol:

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entireday is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. Inorder to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
One of Your biggest fans

1. Innovative
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Common Courtesy not so common anymore

 birthday.gif My daughter turns 10 tomorrow (20th)....TEN!  I survived the terrible two's now it's the troublesome ten that is upon me, Tween they call it.  That is my next phase.  I've been teasing her that 10 yr old lil girls are a pain!  She even said she'd live with her grandma till she was at least 12 or 14.  

I really should let her do that and pay back my Mom for..........nevermind.

Anywho, common courtesy, yes, that's where I was going here.  For the past 4 years we've been involved with the Nutcracker production, Miss T hasn't had a birthday "party" (which suits me fine).  It just gets so hectic so close to performance time.


This year she's turning double digits....leaving the singles and beginning a new phase.  It seemed a party was in order so I agreed.  Pool party with Pizza at the YWCA.  16 invitations were handed out; $100 for the pool reservation (up to 20 people, not a bad price); $$ cake; $$ pizza; $$ goodie bags.

How many people do you think actually called me via the RSVP info to let me know yay or nay?

Three calls.  One was a "Nay". 

One verbal "nay" - gonna be outta town.

Two verbal "Yay" didn't show up.

Two of the 3 calls were from long time friends from school.  Kassie & Shelby.  The NAY call was from a dance kid we didn't expect would come.

My kid had 3 children show up for her party. 

Never again!  Not till she's 16.  I will not plan another party.  I will agree to sleepovers with a couple of friends, take them to a movie or skating, whatever and dinner, and have a cake but that IS IT!  No more hoopla and stress.

                 beat_hea_e0.gif  beat_hea_e0.gif  beat_hea_e0.gif

It is not fair to my kid to have her heart set on a fun time only to get let down.  Sure she had a good time with these 3....but 2 classmate's excuses were "I don't know where it is"  HELLO!!!  Friggin phone number on the invite people  - CALL ME! 

happybirthbear.gif I would have rather taken my money and treated my baby to something special for her birthday. 

Now I feel robbed. 

I know our lives are busy, but a phone call would have been nice.  Maybe I could have cancelled the pool reservations (and only paid $5 per kid to swim;  hmmmmm $5x4 verses $100). 


Thanks for listening to me whine! 



Thursday, November 16, 2006

Oh Joy!

Yep!   It's Strep alright.  The nurse didn't want to swab it, said "looks ok, but I'll swab if you want me to".....well DUH why do you think I came out in TORNADIC WEATHER !!???!! 

So nah nah nah boo boo nursey it was POSITIVE.  Got me some Rx for Penny.  Sad note is nursey's hubby is a painter and one of his workers was killed in the Tornado this morning (which by the way is about 50 miles from where I live).

Doc said go home, take Rx, and plenty of Jack Daniels.  Love my Doc.

These tornado's are well inland from me.  But one never knows.  We get water spouts sometimes, but they rarely come on the land.  The last Tornado was 2 years ago and about 5 miles from me (as a crow flies) and that was in a big bad T-storm.  Right now we've got nice warm weather, and a T-storm is just right for producing Tornado's.  The last tornado that was at my property was back in 96 when Hurricane Fran came around.  No damage to us just the woods.

I'd rather have a Hurricane anyday.........

Tara should be home soon....Tom is about to pick her up from school.  I'm surprised they didn't call for early release.

I have a headache...need some drugs.   TTYL!

Tornado Warnings & Watches

Yep...since about 6am there have been 2 in different locations.  Where I live we don't normally see these things and these are actually in counties that are about 50 miles away.  However, one that has reported 7 lives lost is in an area just 20 miles southwest of Wilmington, and I'm 20 miles NE of Wilmington. no likey Tornado's.  Tara is at school, I didn't want to send her there, but Tom says that's ususally a safe spot.

ME?  I think I have strep throat.  Ugh!  Not sleeping well at all and when I do lay down my throat completely closes up causing me to not be able to I'm "sleeping" on the couch upright.  I hate sore throats.  So I'm heading to the Dr now before the weather gets worse.....the doc is only about 5 miles from me so I hope it will be a quickie.  I'm so tired.  I'm taking Tylenol then Advil and back and forth alternating about every 3-4 hours. 

I did chow down on 1/2 a jar of salsa last night hoping that would "burn" this mess out.......not this time.  Sure cure?  $100 to the doc, $15 drugs & lots of fluid.  Gee thanks.  All I want for Christmas is my money back!!!!

Tuesday, November 7, 2006

Tuesday Toons


My family never ceases to amaze me, especially the men.  Remember I am married to a yankee transplant, so the communication between us is comical at best. 


Tom thinks that this (3) is "tree"......

He takes care of thins....instead of things.

I haven't figured out where "oava heee" is....and he can't find "yonder".

circlingeyes_e0.gif  He calls me via cell phone last week to say he's having troubles with Miss T's homework.  I say "fax it to me"...he keeps rambling on about how he doesn't know possessive singular crap....I say "fax it to me"....and he can't understand what the teacher is looking for....I say "fax it to me"...and then he says .....but I interrupt him to say "ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME"?

"What'd you say"?  I said "I said fax it to me".....

(he says) "What?  You want a fat zucchini?  What's that got to do with .............."  I didn't hear the rest because my head fell onto my desk and my coworker came to my office to make sure I was ok.............

I just handed her the phone, tears running down my face with back began to hurt and I could not breathe.


I think I got the fax eventually, but never the fat zucchini.


So my mom calls me to tell me what happened to them Sunday while driving around Wrightsville Beach.  Seems they were doing "routine traffic" stops for license checks.  Now, my stepDad had left his wallet in his truck and was driving Mom's car and told her this:  "what am I going to do?  Should we switch places?" 

Mom said of course not.  So they pulled up and the cop said "just a routine license check, can I see yours?" 

Pointing to my Mother in the passenger seat and without missing a beat, my stepDad said "I don't have my license, I'm riding with her". 


I am not kidding!  This must have stumped the cop good cause he just waved them on............


BUT, while I'm picking on pop, might as well tell you what he did at the farm last week.

We have 24 equipment, goats, donkeys etc, and when stepDad is out there, he doesn't bother to run back to the proper facility to relieve himself of his liquids....he just finds a bush.  th_pee.gif

He was driving his truck through the field and realized he had to pee......


He stopped the truck, got out and began "watering the plants".  He looked back and.........


          (are you ready?)

..........his truck was leaving him!  He had forgotten to put it in park and it was driving away.........he had to chase it down!  Thank GOD he caught it before it ran into the ditch or my house or my pool or worse!


Hey thanks for listening!

Monday, November 6, 2006

Monday after cleanup!

What a beautiful weekend!  Sunny and basically warm.  Saturday was mid 60s.  I spent it cleaning out my den a/k/a Toys R Us while Miss T was at Nutcracker practice...I bailed out.  I was able to move out quite a bit of goodies...a bucketfull went to the thrift store and some of the bigger little girl items went to my SIL for her niece.  I called my stepDad to come over and haul it away before T n T came home. 

Tom, bless his heart (!) took Miss T to practice for me and stayed all day!  He gave up just sitting there after lunch and went window shopping for himself, just browsing Best Buy, Kohl's, Boater's World...guy stuff.  They brought home Pizza for dinner....not what I wanted but Hey, I didin't have to cook.

Then I realized that I needed more TULE for a crinolin I'm working on for this production.  So I showered and headed out to the local Walmart where it is quite inexpensive to purchase such an item.  I picked up a lap harp for Miss T to use as her "instrument" in the production.  I also went to Old Time Pottery.....a great place for inexpensive (cheap) household stuff from decorations to linen to dishes, glasses, cookware and picture frames.  I ended up with some lovely crystal tulip votives for T's teachers for gifts...$2 each.

Sunday was just as warm.  I prepared breakfast of bacon and french toast (grits for Tara).  I once again donned my Rainbow's and T-shirt and headed out to practice.  YAY for warm weather and flip flops!  I can handle mid-60s, even lower 60s.  We dropped Mr Man off at the sports bar so he couls watch the NY GIANTS game.  After practice Miss T & I had an early dinner at Moe's Southwestern Grill (Quesadilla's for us) and watched an incredible full moon and sunset.  Remembering that I had my camera, I picked a couple of nice spots and snapped away.  Whenever I get them uploaded I'll share.  The sky was gorgeous.

(I also found a beautiful new RED OPI nail polish - looks very festive.  "What I Really Wanted" I think is the name.)

Picked up Mr Man from the bar (happy as usual) and headed home to work on my sewing project.  This week, I didmanage to put in a zipper in a skirt I was making for Nutcracker and install a casing for a drawstring waist -- works best for mulitple sizes, er, uses!  2 more weekends of practice! 

I've been very versitle in the production this year.  Since I'm not the "lady of the house" I opted just to be a "guest".... allows me more freedom.  Only Sunday I was used and abused...the current "lady" was absent, so I was the stand in.  Geeesh.....where's the committment???  There role is very important and they still do not have it together yet, but they miss a lot of practices.  What gives?

Hey I actually wrapped CHRISTMAS gifts this weekend!!!  So proud of me!  Then I looked and said "that's it!?"  Geesh, I gotta get on the ball.  Miss T's birthday is in 2 weeks and until then I can't even BEGIN to shop for her, much less tell Santa what she would like!

Welcome to Dramaville..........

Friday, November 3, 2006

Cha-Ching & TGIF!

It's finally chilly here in coastal NC...a good 53 degrees right now and going to about 35 ish tonight.   Wow....straight from A/C to heat.  What happened to FALL???  I don't like to wear a coat, I'm pretty happy in a long sleeve T-shirt....fugget that bulkiness of a coat.

Can you believe it is NOVEMBER already?  I was just looking at the calendar on my desk and WOW.....3 more weekends of Nutcracker Practice, then Thanksgiving, then immediately on that Friday is dress rehearsal and the program on Saturday and Sunday.  Where does the time go?  That means approximately 8 weeks till Christmas.  (thud - me falling on floor)

OK I'm back......Christmas!!  Wow...I do have some gifts already and have a pretty good idea on most things, like Tom's nephew's and those that will be mail-away's.  Now the best news is this......

.......I stopped by the farm this morning before work and wanted my stepDad to try on a jacket I had got.  Well it turned out to be a MEDIUM instead of an XL like I thought, so that was a bust.  Guess my lil brother will get it instead.  Anywho...he says to me "you still wanting some shopping money?".

Say what?  Oh hell yes!  So he pealed me off some cha-ching.  Surprise me!  Love me some surprises. 

I talked to my bestestfriendinthewholeworldcindilou today and yesterday.  She's been in Chicago for about 3 weeks now and I'm ready for her to come home.  Seems she's gotten in touch with a high school boyfriend "love" of her life and she's gonna drag him here.  They'll be here in about 10 days.  It's too friggin cold up there for her or me!  Gimme my rainbows and T-shirts!  Fugget snow angels I can make sand angels here!

Coworker got a call today from her doc...seems there may be signs of pre-cancerous cells in her cervix.  She's pretty upset.  I said "nah, just go have a hysterectomy" (she's 50)...been trying to keep her spirits up.  She's meeting with me and my friend Holly after work today.  Some girl time will be nice.

I think I'm gonna bail out of Nut practice for Saturday and try and get some things taken care of around the house.  Think I'll get anywhere??

Have a great weekend out there! and be safe!

Wednesday, November 1, 2006

21 Rules of Halloween - too late??

I hope this is not to late in hopes to save anyone any troubles........

The 21 Rules Of Halloween!

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language
which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take
several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to
kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would
apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and
find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for
short circuits; just get out.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good
reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down
at least twice, more if you are a blonde female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Ogden(you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere  where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Mass.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go
to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws,
staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines,
lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any
devices made from deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the
time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that
had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise  in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And should carry a flashlight, not a candle.

20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this

21. Do not go looking for witches in the North Carolina countryside. They  live downtown.