Monday, November 20, 2006

Dear Alcohol,

Dear Alcohol:

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entireday is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. Inorder to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
One of Your biggest fans


PS THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2.Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

19 comments:

madcobug said...

Yep, alcohol will make a person do all those things. LOL. Helen

garnett109 said...

I'll Drink to that!

rayne1123 said...

lol..memories..lol
hugs
noelle

daniella12800 said...

LOL now that was just too funny!  Thank you for the laugh!

Daniella

mpnaz58 said...

Very funny!!  Cheers :)
xoxo ~Myra

hugsdoodlewacky said...

((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGSTOYOU)))))))))))))))))))))))))Thats funny,thanks for the laugh.Have a good night.

angcrewswife said...

lol thats cute
     ang

mastersblynn said...

This was hilarious! Barbara

emabecmar said...

lmao, loved this. have a great evening. ((((hugs))))))
Cindy

nammajulie said...

Very cute, made me laugh, thanks. I have to admit I was a bit concerned at first until I saw where you were going with it, lol. Hope all is well with you, stop by sometime.
Julie

eml625 said...

Very cute....

Ellen

mtrib2 said...

I am sorry I have taken so long getting to your journal Sharon.     I have not been able to keep up with the journals and your URL is in my sidebar so I remembered to visit you.     I tried drinking a small amount this last summer as it was the only thing that relieved my hip and back pain from trying to work on my home.    It upset my stomach and I quit over a month ago for no other reason but my own.    My medication has been upped on one anti-seizure med and it seems to help the most with severe tightning of my back and hip.    I make no promises to never take another drink so I am not on a mission needing intercession.    You know yourself and will find your happiness your way and I believe you will set your boundries.     Your intellegence and clarity are in tack.     Wishing you and your family a good Thanksgiving.     mark

trickeytricky said...

Mwahahahaha!

I love it!! :D

Happy Thanksgiving!

Amanda :)
http://journals.aol.com/trickeytricky/CountryMyKindaLivin

lifes2odd said...

Excellent entry! I need to print that list at the end for tomorrow!
Happy Thanksgiving! Martha :-)

cacklinrosie101 said...

LOL...isn't that the truth so I'll tip one or two in agreement...HUGS Chris

imgr8phil said...

I hope you and your family have a wonderful and sober Thanksgiving LOL.

Phil

randlprysock said...

Funny!!!!   Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!!!!  Hugs,
Lisa

xxroxymamaxx said...

God, that's so true.  Hugs and GBU, Shelly

queenb8261 said...

I'll drink to that!! LOL
Barb