Wednesday, November 29, 2006

George Carlin's Rules for 2007

 

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! 
There's reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team
is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull.
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found
in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with
their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of
your idols. If  you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care  about your eyebrows:
Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water,
but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people.
Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and
order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from
sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back,
and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters
in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it actually translates to "beef with broccoli."
The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God
you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was
just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting?
Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." 

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M.
If I'm extra hungry for an M&M, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the
first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule (and this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants!
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there,
or just some freak with a fetish.
Don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to
know in months. Not "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine.
He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

13 comments:

deshelestraci said...

Those are funny.  Especially the first and last ones!
Traci

garnett109 said...

where did you get this from?

queeniemart said...

i love the man and this is a classic!
love you
lisa

chat2missie said...

I love the classmates rule!! LOL
Missie

mpnaz58 said...

ROTFL!!  Those are good ones...
xoxo ~myra

hugsdoodlewacky said...

((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGSOYOU)))))))))))))))))))Thanks for the laugh,I needed that one.That was funny.

mrsm711 said...

Hahahahaha.  The reality of it all makes it the funniest!  :)
http://journals.aol.com/mrsm711/LatteDah/     Tracy

alphamoon65 said...

lmfao...too funny. Gotta love George's rules. must obey must obey...lol
Take care,
Dwana

angcrewswife said...

LMFAO That was great!
                  Ang

emabecmar said...

lol, i love this guy. especially when he smashes the watermelons at the audience, thanks for sharing. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Cindy

proudmrsk said...

LOL!

~Mrs. K

lifes2odd said...

These are really great! Thanks for the laugh this morning :-)

cdittric77 said...

Fabulous - loved it!