Monday, October 2, 2006

Rambling Reflections.....

Growing up we were "forced" to go to church…as Mom would say "as long as you live under my roof". Her philosophy was that I could not date a guy that "did not attend church" (geeesh). This did not seem fair to me at all. So needless to say anything I ever thought about was "wrong", or at least that is how I was brought up to believe. Bad thoughts, bad deeds would somehow doom me to HELL forever and this terrified me.

I was given a lot of misinformation about life. Germs can "kill you" which lead to my OCD of hand washing and spitting out the "germs" that somehow came in contact with my food, utensils or from just plain old breathing. Upon moving to a new home and school in 1978, a classmate and girl my age developed Ovarian cancer, thus losing her life at a tender age of 14. Holy Moly! Was I thrown on a roller coaster with that one! If that could happen to HER at our age…then what would/could happen to me?!!

I lived in fear. Not because I had abusive parents or lived in a crime area or any of that stuff. I lived in fear of LIFE. Other kids were wild and crazy and I was scared to do anything. Dating was a pain. I would get to our destination and a wave of panic would overtake me. I couldn’t understand it and I couldn’t explain what was happening to me. I wanted to do the things that other teenagers did – good or bad – I wanted to enjoy life, but I couldn’t. I missed out on a lot. Blame it on my conscience.

These feelings lasted a long time…..through my first marriage to my high school sweetheart; my abortion prior to this marriage; living alone (single life IS good); dating again; almost affair (all but sex!) with a married man; marrying #2 - the wrong man.

What is my point? I don’t know. Only that I don’t wish for my daughter to suffer this way, afraid. She is "rule oriented" so it may be inevident that she strive to always do the right thing. She stuffs her shirts for "boobs" while playing dress up and doesn’t mind showing off….I didn’t want anyone to know I was doing such a thing, so maybe she won’t have the cloud that I had. Her panic attacks are very real to me since I have suffered them as well. I now understand that you have to "grow up" to overcome some of these things. She is far from grown up. I want her to be happy and I think she is. I don’t want her to miss out on opportunities due to fear. Dancing helps.

Maybe if I had more opportunities when I was younger things would have turned out different, but we were not by any means "well off". My Grandparents made sure we were clothed and fed if necessary. My Grandfather saw to it that I had piano lessons, my Mom couldn’t afford them and my Dad was an alcoholic deadbeat.

I’m done rambling………………..for now.


garnett109 said...

Boy it is funny how parents mess their kid up by the way their parents messed them up! Never did get to raise my daughter, but in away that is good , all they need is for you to guide them in the right direction , you can't beat stuff in to their heads, i know it did not work with me!  have a great night!

onestrangecat said...

i have heard it said that our parents "did the best with what they knew and with what they had".  true or not i can't say.
the best you can do for your daughter is to be there for her. love her.


bobbysgirl8584 said...

I also feel that most of my self esteem issues go back to when I was a kid; I also was afraid to  try new things etc. When I got to High School I opened up more and did find myself in trouble now and again ( ahhh...high THOSE were the days!). Now that I am getting older (just turned 41 today) I feel sometimes so insecure in ways that I didn't think would be possible at my age. and you thought you were rambling? I don't think my comment is making any sense!!! It amazes me how much self confidence my daughters have since I have none! But it makes me so proud to see them not caring what others think and doing their own thing. I think your daughter will be fine: dancing will help give her confidence in herself. that is such a good thing!

hugsdoodlewacky said...

(((((((((((((((((((TPIEZ))))))))))))))))))I am sorry you had to go through such a hard life.I guess our parents knew what they trying to teach us,I dont know.I should be blessed that I have good parents who are always there for us kids,even thoe my Dad does drink and which I dont like it,but He is a good Dad and will provide.I am again so sorry you had to go through all that and I know you will raise your daughter in a good way,which you already are.I have alot of fear inside of me,still trying to get out.I know my Mom and Dad was always so protective of me.Maybe thats why I feel they way I feel now.I love you so much and I know you are a good caring person and Mom.HAve a good evening.

mrsm711 said...

Through it all you turned out to be a pretty great person. :)

jckfrstross said...

sorry you had such a awful childhood:( have a good week


eml625 said...

You've come a long way! My son has a phobia regarding germs, not sure where he got it from but it gets obsessive at times.


nammajulie said...

Sorry to hear of your heartache and troubles from your past. I have some stories I could tell too, for sure. I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason". You are a good, caring person and everything that you've been through in your life has been a stepping stone to get to where you are today and who you are. Everything will be ok :) Have a good night.

rbrown6172 said...

you have learned much over the course of your life....and from that you'll be able to guide and help your precious daughter....and keeping her involved with dancing and other activites will help too.  i can relate to a lot of what you've written....just know that  God is real and He comes to you in love....He has so much love and understanding for you and where you are right now.

newsworthy822 said...

I can relate to a lot of this. I also had panic attacks as a child...I think because I often got left alone in the car while my dad went into bars. This caused a deep feeling of panic, insanity, and a feeling of of being out-of-control, along with fear of abandonment. I thought everyone who loved me was going to leave or die...and  I, like you, was afraid of a lot of things.

But, when I started drinking, it created a pseudo-world where I could be bold & brave & reckless and not care about the fears that plagued me. Living in the chemical prevented me from learning healthy ways to deal with my fears & panic.

The last time I had a panic attack was, I 2003, shortly before I quit drinking. I used to get these alcohol-induced panic attacks...where I would wake up in a cloud of terror...thinking, "what did I do last night? how did I get home? where is my car?" and the panic would descend on me. Ick.

Sorry I've rambled on so much. You just brought up a bunch of memories. Thanks for sharing!

springangel235 said...

I agree with Tracy...with all you have been turned out great...hugs and love,

cacklinrosie101 said...

Sharon, you've grown up to be a funny, carefree person.  T will grow up and outgrow panic attacks.  I suffered from them until my late 20's.  I guess somehow we all have to grow over top of the things we were taught as children.  Miss T has you and that will make a big difference.  HUGS  Chris

barebytes said...

It will be all right......Hugs Lanny

randlprysock said...

Some fear is good, healthy, preserves life.  I love this entry.  Full of good interesting stuff.  Now tell us some more about the affairs. LOL..  Hugs,

jg4949 said...

My parents were fairly wealthy for a small town in Texas, but I grew up with some of the same things your parents told you.  I tried my best not to transfer them to my son.  My son is 31 year old and does not harbour all of the guilt I did.