Growing up we were "forced" to go to church…as Mom would say "as long as you live under my roof". Her philosophy was that I could not date a guy that "did not attend church" (geeesh). This did not seem fair to me at all. So needless to say anything I ever thought about was "wrong", or at least that is how I was brought up to believe. Bad thoughts, bad deeds would somehow doom me to HELL forever and this terrified me.
I was given a lot of misinformation about life. Germs can "kill you" which lead to my OCD of hand washing and spitting out the "germs" that somehow came in contact with my food, utensils or from just plain old breathing. Upon moving to a new home and school in 1978, a classmate and girl my age developed Ovarian cancer, thus losing her life at a tender age of 14. Holy Moly! Was I thrown on a roller coaster with that one! If that could happen to HER at our age…then what would/could happen to me?!!
I lived in fear. Not because I had abusive parents or lived in a crime area or any of that stuff. I lived in fear of LIFE. Other kids were wild and crazy and I was scared to do anything. Dating was a pain. I would get to our destination and a wave of panic would overtake me. I couldn’t understand it and I couldn’t explain what was happening to me. I wanted to do the things that other teenagers did – good or bad – I wanted to enjoy life, but I couldn’t. I missed out on a lot. Blame it on my conscience.
These feelings lasted a long time…..through my first marriage to my high school sweetheart; my abortion prior to this marriage; living alone (single life IS good); dating again; almost affair (all but sex!) with a married man; marrying #2 - the wrong man.
What is my point? I don’t know. Only that I don’t wish for my daughter to suffer this way, afraid. She is "rule oriented" so it may be inevident that she strive to always do the right thing. She stuffs her shirts for "boobs" while playing dress up and doesn’t mind showing off….I didn’t want anyone to know I was doing such a thing, so maybe she won’t have the cloud that I had. Her panic attacks are very real to me since I have suffered them as well. I now understand that you have to "grow up" to overcome some of these things. She is far from grown up. I want her to be happy and I think she is. I don’t want her to miss out on opportunities due to fear. Dancing helps.
Maybe if I had more opportunities when I was younger things would have turned out different, but we were not by any means "well off". My Grandparents made sure we were clothed and fed if necessary. My Grandfather saw to it that I had piano lessons, my Mom couldn’t afford them and my Dad was an alcoholic deadbeat.
I’m done rambling………………..for now.