Sunday, October 21, 2007

Good to bad; crash n burn.

Like Jaws 2....just when you think it's safe...........

Mr Man has been quite good; "we" survived the wedding.  Mainly because I warned him that all eyes would be on him and his behavior regarding the drink.

So this week (Wednesday) he says he's feeling all "mushy in here" and points to his chest as if to say he really loves me.  Sometimes during the week I will text him a message that says "love you".

I get a text back normally "love you too"....this week I got the "love you too" and it was signed "mushy".

Let's all say it together....."awwwwwwwwww".

At night I usually reach over and touch his chest.  I get a "good night" from him, nothing outrageous, sometimes it's the little things that mean the most.

My stepDad came home on Thursday;  I ran some things over that Mom requested.  He looked great!  Still has a long recovery.  On Friday I went over and Mom gave me a grocery list.  So I call Tom to see if he's picking up Miss T.

Said he hadn't planned on it, but guess he could.  It was 1pm and I explained that I had been with the rents and had a shopping list.  Then I thought "why bother him?  I'm right here" so I called him back and said "nevermind, she can go with me".

He said "thanks, now I won't rush" from the restaurant job.  Besides there was really not a reason I couldn't get her. 

Tom picking her up is a decent excuse to keep him on the right track.

Note to self:  stick with your gut; stay with your instincts.

About 3:30 I called Mr Man who was still at the restaurant.  He wanted to rave about an upcoming "new" venture this owner had.  I said please talk to me when you get home.


I called a couple of times after that and didn't get an answer.  Then at 6pm I remembered ----- he had MY atm card.  I said to the Roomie "I'm going after it".

He wasn't at the restaurant.

So I headed to the "known" hangout road.....sure enough I spied the truck off the road parked in front of a trailer.  I whipped around and pulled down the dirt road and parked.....promptly walked to the door and tested it....the glass door was locked.

I beat on the door.....then I said OPEN THIS DOOR.

Nothing....but I heard people in the home (trailer) so I beat again and said OPEN THIS DOOR BECAUSE MY NEXT MOVE WILL BE TO BREAK IT!

It opened....a man blocked me from going in but I could see Tom was sitting in the room.  There was a woman in a chair opposite with a beer.  All that I saw in front of Tom was his cigarettes.  The guy refused to allow me in and I said "no problem but HE'S coming out NOW". 

Tom wouldn't budge.  Man and I kept up a banter and he got a lot of "I could care less" from me.  I told Tom to park the truck down the road a bit....he agreed.

BUT when we left and I turned to the right, HE turned to the left and proceeded to get on the major road and head towards home.  I had to do a spin around and catch up to him.

In the meantime I made a 9-1-1 call......then was transfered to highway patrol.  Would you belive I made 4 or 5 calls and could NOT get any help getting a drunk driver stopped?!?!?!?!?!  WTH???

I could really use a good cry..........but I am not able to muster up the tears yet.  I am so totally confused.  Yet I should not be, because this is in many ways "normal" and sometimes expected.

I can't help but wonder if he's trying to get me to make the first move.  He comes across like he's pushing me to the point of tossing him out, so he can blame it all on me.

I ran away......roomie and Miss T and myself ran over to the beachhouse last night.  Just to get away.  It was nice.  We grabbed some snacks and a couple of pizza's and just chilled.

Today we spent most of our time filtering through shells on the beach.  The weather was perfect!  The girls and I enjoyed our down time. 

I was explaining to roomie how depressed I have been for most of this year.  My spirit is broken.   There is not a light in my eyes anymore.

I'm on a roller coaster.......and I don't even like roller coasters.


cuteallison1980 said...

Oh Sharon.  I think it is time for you to do what you know is best for you and your family.  You have to keep yourself away from all this stuff.  It is consuming you and it is hurting you deeply.  He is putting you through a lot.  So what if he wants you to make this move, it could be the move you need to do.  It doesn't matter if he blames you because you will know that just isn't true.  And for the police to ignore a call about a drunk driver is absurd.  I feel for you and if you need someone to talk to please IM me whether or not I have my away message on.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.


katerh99 said...

I know you said you had been to Al-Anon and didn't like  it. Hear that so often...especially from the ones who come back after a long 'stay away'. Would you please consider giving it another honest try? Your struggles and feelings have recognizable validity. It takes those who have been there, done that, and come out a whole person again to really, really help you. Please, for your sanity's sake, try again. And there is AlAteen for Miss M also. Poor kids, caught in this never ending struggle that is not of their making.

katerh99 said...

I'm sorry, Miss T.

tampa0503 said...

Oh, Sharon!  do you really need that hassle in your life?  He's not going to stop drinking until he's ready.  Sounds like you need him to stop now.  All this pain...I'm so sorry.


eml625 said...

Oh Sweety, Something has to  give, before someone gets hurt. Maybe some kind of intervention.....something to force him into a rehab.
If you want to talk, please e-mail me.
Love you

ab45yui said...

Having lived with an alcoholic father, I know your pain.  I see it in my mother almost everyday.  There are two choices here and I know one of them is scarey because it is such an unknown, to ask him to leave.  I can only say from my own experience that I think my parents would have been better off apart.  The roller coaster continues to this day between them, and I can tell you from a child's perspective - it just is not fun.  I don't like them either!  God Bless and I will pray for you Sharon!  I know it is hard!

deshelestraci said...

You hit the nail on the head.  He is waiting for you to kick him out.  He has no problems - it's all you.  At least that is the way he wants it to go.  Heaven forbid he take responsiblity for his own actions.  I'm so sorry.

garnett109 said...

sorry to hear all of this

ljjellybean71 said...

Oh my Gosh,  that's terrible.  I hope everything gets better for you Sharon.  
Glad to hear that the wedding is over.. I'll have to catch up on what happened.

Take care

imgr8phil said...

You need to take you and your children off of this roller coaster.  Whatever it is your feeling you can bet Miss T is feeling it too and it is affecting her and will continue to.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  Take care.


mpnaz58 said... much longer til your life is broken??  Your spirit will continue to refresh itself, but your life??  Mr Man is a tragedy waiting to happen...don't let him take you with him.  Think of your daughter.  He's made his its time to make yours.  Think of yourself!
xoxo ~Myra

chat2missie said...

I'm so sorry you had an episode like that.  I know he's your husband and the father of your child, but there comes a time you must walk away for your own good and Miss T's good.  I don't think he's going to change until he completely falls and that won't be until you leave him on his own.

queeniemart said...

no alcoholic will ever stop unless THEY own up to their matter how much it hurts us, breaks our spirit or ruins our lives. Some will lose everything and still drink. I have been there and dealt with it my whole LIFE. I am so sorry you have to put up with this but you can not change him.
love you so,

hugsdoodlewacky said...

(((((((((((((HUGSTYOU))))))))))))))))))I am sorry you are going through al of this.I know it hurts.My Dad drinks,so does my Boyfriend,but Boyfriend doesnt drink that much.I kinda know what your going through because of my Dad.But than again,I may not know what your going through.My prayers are with you.

xxroxymamaxx said...

I hate rollercoasters too.  Someday honey, you are going to be very very happy.  and when I get down, the beach helps me too. : )  love you, Shelly