Saturday, August 18, 2007

Emotions run amuck!

....at my house the little things set Tom off.  But on Friday he received a call from his youngest sister.  She had visited with Tom's daughter while in NY a couple of weeks ago.  Obviously she's been in further contact because the nature of her call was........

........to inform him that only SHE (the sister) and Tom's neice (other sis's child) were being invited to the wedding in October.

We had already been informed by the daughter that the stepDad was "walking her down the aisle" back in late June.  Tom took that pretty hard......but much harder on Friday after talking to his sister.

I think the sis should let it go.....Daughter is 31.  She had not seen her Dad in 10 years until last December (you may remember I wrote about him going up there for a long weekend).  Daughter has had a life of her own without her Dad for MANY years.  They even quit speaking at one point.

Since he and the ex-wife were divorced, the whole family "divorced" also.  His kids didn't keep in touch with their Father's side at all.  Ditto for his brothers and sisters as well as his own Father.  No one to my knowledge ever bothered to call the girls or send them cards etc after the divorce and especially after Tom's mother passed away in 1997.  His kids didn't even attend their Grandma's funeral.

Last night Tom was having a hard time.....he was hurt...he was pissed off and he was lashing out.  He'd had a couple of drinks and wanted to "go out" with me somewhere noisy and where there was a lot of people.

I took him to Walmart!!!!!!!!

Not exactly what he expected.  But I could not take him to a bar....no way!  Could not reward his behavior with such as that.

He promised me that on Saturday (today) he was going to be in a worse mood.....he tried.

I cornered him.  I talked to him from my own point of view.  His kids and I have a lot in common when it comes to our Fathers.  In a lot of ways we are parallel.  My parental side of the family didn't treat me fair either....my own grandma would drive past my house to visit my cousin next door without stopping to see me.

I explained to him how much my stepDad meant to me and why I would chose him over my own Dad anyday....then my tears came.  He could seem my pain.  (I asked my beloved Grandpa to give me away because he was the most stable man in my life - how else could I chose between my Dad and stepDad?)  He began to understand how his daughter could make this decision to let her stepDad take his place in her wedding and in her life.  This man has always been there to support her all these years just like my stepDad.

Tom began to "see" what I was trying to get him to understand.  I know it hurt him, but the only thing he can do now is accept her decision.  He wants to write her a note to tell her how he feels.  I said I thought it was a good idea BUT he'd better be willing to accept her reply no matter what it is.  Also, IF he goes to the wedding, he must go with dignity and respect; after all it is HER day and she wants it to be a happy, joyous occassion.  She doesn't want to be on pins and needles worrying about her "guests".  Then maybe after that, father and daughter can begin to heal their broken relationship.

As for Tom's sister..........I hope she stays out of this.  I have just spent 24 hours calming him down.  I've a good mind to call her myself, but he's asked me to leave it alone until her next call.  Then he'll tell her to knock it off himself......or lil ole Southern me may just have to...........

Wouldn't be pretty.

13 comments:

deshelestraci said...

Sounds like a very painful situation.  Glad you were able to help Tom to see his daughter's side of things.
Traci

eml625 said...

It's good you got him to see things from your side, from another point of view.  This is a mess ! I hope things work out for him.
hugs,
Ellen

garnett109 said...

sounds exactly like my life with my daughter, it's been 6 mos. since we talked .

imgr8phil said...

I can understand how he feels as well as your point of view.  These family things are just awful sometimes.  I don't expect to ever give my daughter away if I'm even invited to the wedding.  I also don't expect to watch her graduate from High school since I have been left out of her life entirely.  Take care and hopefully Sunday will be a good day for you both.

Phil

lifes2odd said...

::Sigh::

jckfrstross said...

i am so sorry that this is going on but i agree with you :) little sis needs to butt out. its been 6 plus years that we have had contact with DH side of the family. it still hurts him but he loves me his mom blamed me for all of the family problems lol i told him its ok but i won't let her hurt me or the kids or him again. good luck

Deb

cuteallison1980 said...

I think you did the right thing.  He is obviously hurt and I can understand that.  My uncle has a problem with an ex and he has been pretty much left out of his daughter's life.  Hopefully the future will be good for you both and that his daughter will be a meaningful part of your husband's life forever.

Allison

queeniemart said...

Ah, my friend, YOU ARE WISE! Truly. Tom has a good good woman on his hands....and i think it is wonderful you are able to be impartial and help him see the other side. I am praying for you!
XOOX lj

xxroxymamaxx said...

That's just awful Sharon.  I hope things work out for the best.  And I hope you're having a good weekend.  I like that you took Tom to Walmart. giggle.  One of the greatest places on Earth. : )  I really do pray that he can get some peace from all this.  Love, Shelly

chat2missie said...

Poor Tom.  That must be heartbreaking.  
Missie

randlprysock said...

So sorry to hear how Tom is feeling.  I totally understand.  We have a lot of rifts in our family here and there too and difficult splits to deal with from divorces.  I know how he must be feeling all too well.  And I have to agree, a Walmart excursion is often the answer to brighten up the day!!!  Hugs,
Lisa

mpnaz58 said...

Family drama is so...dramatic!  Kudos to you for sitting down with Tom and explaining from the daughters point of view, especially because you went through it yourself.  That makes it more real, though not easier for him.  I agree, the SIL needs to stay out of it.  
xoxo ~Myra

queenb8261 said...

sorry things are so dramatic. You did a good job handling the situation.
Hope the week is better.
Barb