.........cause I'm still in a funk.
Tommydrama of course. Wednesday was payday for him (pension) and since I've cut up his ATM card he says "I'm gonna write a check for $100 - get gas and have some cash in my pocket" with the understanding that he can't hundred dollar the account to death. He'd already gotten $50 out the day before for a grocery store run.
He then visited his friend at the restaurant; called me at 6pm (I was eating dinner with the roomie in town and Miss T was at acro) and said "I'm home....and I 'm not going anywhere". I said OK, whatever. I really couldn't hear him well on the cell because the words were breaking up.
After acro (7pm) and getting Miss T some dinner, we headed home. Roomie was already home by the time we got there.....guess what.
TOM WASN'T HOME!!!!!!
No, I didn't call him; no I didn't barricade the door. I was quite calm. Maybe too calm. Reserved.........probably at the fact that "oh well" I'm just gonna have to remove myself emotionally from his troubles.
I know that sounds terrible coming from a wife. I mean, aren't couples s'pzd to work together for each other's good? Yes, but......I cannot continue to stress over his ignorance, his total lack of commitment to us.
Yes, he's come a long way from when I first met him. But he's slipping now. Almost like he did the year before his knee surgery....sneaky, evasive, home late etc. Are we going to go through another battle of drugs? He says that's not what is going on.
But how do you explain this: last week he'd been out to "the bars" yet, he did not have the usual appearance of "drunk"....made me think he counteracted the drink with the drug to "sober up" quicker. He denies this of course...............and he thinks I buy that?
HA! Denial....and not the river in Egypt!
Now I'm going to have to detach. That's not a good place to be. Tom is killing our relationship and my love for him. I find myself acting the same way I did with the "dead X".....his dealings drove me to purely hate his existence.
Roomie told me yesterday that when she is in her room and TnT are in the "big room" (Man watching TV; Kid playing behind him) that "yes" Tom does "scare" Miss T........I'd like to know exactly how. Maybe it's in his comments about the war movies ya know "kill them Nazi's" etc.
He doesn't believe he scares her. Says "yeah, I'm Italian, my voice is loud" but I don't think it's all in his volume anymore...I think she's used to that now.
Maybe it's time for me to buy a digital voice recorder and plant it in the house.
He tried to say to me "what would you do without me" of the last 3 years since he's been retired. He takes T to school, picks her up and gets her to dance. I reminded him that I did the very same thing BEFORE he retired and I could do it again. Especially in the summer - I could have a place for her to stay other than be at home with him.
I'm very tired........the stress of all of this PLUS work PLUS my business venture ideas PLUS cindilouwho's wedding PLUS.......life in general...I cannot seem to get a decent rest anymore. All day long my eyes are heavy as if I'd been crying all day (not) and I'm yawning!
Time for some ME time!!