Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Our meeting and maybe a start....

Last night I decided to meet Tom on neutral grounds.  I called and asked if he’d meet me at a favorite restaurant and he agreed.  I was there first so I picked a table that would keep us out of earshot from other patrons.


I remain cold and straight forward.  After placing our order the subject he brings up as the most painful is the comment I made to him that “I only stick around for Miss T”.  In a note I explained to him that it wasn’t stated properly…..what I meant behind that was “how do I tear the two of them apart when each love each other - just because I don’t feel the love?  So my decisions are made for HER as well as for ME until I can figure out for myself what to do”.


He says “yeah but it still hurt more than you can imagine” …… I understand that.  I knew it when I had said it but there was no taking it back – it was said, and I was very angry.


I brought up the incidences of him being MIA ….and how he had let me down , disappointed and embarrassed me in front of my family and friends.  Plus the “jerk” comment of this weekend with his act of “humor” – I said there was nothing funny about it.  He says “I cannot change it” and of course I said “Yes you can – you can PROVE by your actions that you ARE and CAN BE astand up guy”.


He doesn’t want to lose me……..so he says, and I let him know that he’s well on the way.  Because I can’t trust him, because he so easily lies to me and thinks it’s OK.  He wanted to fuss about the bank account ……..I simply said “when I see money flying out of the account what am I supposed to do to salvage any money for any upcoming needs?  You WON’T answer your phone when this happens and no one knows where you are.”  He didn’t have an answer.


He wants his own account with an allowance put in it.  I said “what happens when you spend all of THAT money and still need cigarettes or gas?”


The main issue was that I could not trust him.  We need to be able to depend on him at all times.  No hiding his whereabouts…doing what he says.  He can trust ME and we need it returned.  It is the reason I have said I’m not interested in the cruise…..I don’t want a repeat of his sister’s wedding a couple of years ago….drunk, embarrassing out right stupidity.  The whole family watched it and were appalled. 


We’ve been going through this mess for 10 years and I reminded him of that when he said “give me a chance to prove…”…..10 years of chances.  When does it happen?  I told him that I am not going to depend on him anymore, that I am making my own life and happiness because I have to.


We talked about his handicap…..how people without limbs seem to be able to “enjoy” life so why can’t he?  He needs to stop sleeping so much and get out and do something!  I had mentioned for him to stop watching the History Channel and old war movies for a while to see if his mood changed – he said he had thought about that and had been “old” free for about 3 days.  I said GOOD keep it up.


I mentioned my stress, how I can’t get 5 minutes alone for myself….and how I don’t want to come home anymore.  If I want to do my business venture, I need to be assured that he won’t mess it up….outside after dinner I asked if he would sign away his rights to claim anything of it….a Post Nuptial type agreement.  He said “that hurts me, but yes I will do it if that’s what you want.”

So I had to explain to him……this way creditors can’t go after him; my parents would be more willing to cooperate and participate if they were assured he wouldn’t “blow” it.  I have to show my smarts sometimes ya know lol.


He wanted to hold my hand……….just because, he said “you need me to hold your hand” – HUH?


We left for home, separate of course – 2 different vehicles…on the way I called his cell and said “Carvel?” and he said “sure”…so we met for an ice cream cone.


Once home I was still a bit aloof…..I cannot let my guard down just yet.  I reminded him that the wall was up and it was great and mighty.  He wants to break it down and make things right.


This morning he called me to say that my Mom and Miss T had dropped by before heading to Toys R Us and ……..


……….get this………..




She was shocked and impressed.




Maybe, just maybe………………………….



rayne1123 said...

good for you. stand your ground and make sure he knows you mean buisness.
i hope it all works out




ktkamanski said...

Hoping for the best! - Like you said, You are the one in charge of your happiness, in control of your life, no longer allowing him to make those decisions for you! The only one that can truly make you happy is you! So proud you stood your ground. I hope your talk with him lightens your load so that each new day has a chance to bring some happiness your way! Take care of you!

barebytes said...

I hope and pray that the road comes at you both smoother. But you hit the nail on the head. TRUST is hard to earn back after you've had ten years to prove it wasn't a word you knew about. Tom has a long way to earn that back and IF it happens, God bless you. Hugs Lanny

newsworthy822 said...

Good luck with Tom, I hope this is a glimmer of hope.  It reminded me of my ex and the situation with him. Of course, we did not have the history you two  have.. however the conversation was strikingly similar. I was very frustrated because I could not trust him... he lied, did things behind my back, and then could not understand why I was upset. He also saw no problem with "recreational" weed smoking.  In the end, it turned out to be me giving him an ultimatum, either go to treatment, go to counseling with me.. or we're done.  We went to one counseling session, and he gave up.  I decided there wasn't anything left to salvage.

I do think it's a good sign that Tom apologized to your Mom.  Hopefully he sees that you're serious about your intentions.  I know what it's like to have to play the "aloof & guarded" game.  It sucks.  Hope this is the start of some improvement!

chat2missie said...

I think Tom is finally seeing that you not pulling any punches anymore.  I really hope he turns his life around not only for you and Miss T, but for himself.

onecrabn3lilfish said...

I hope he can earn your trust back and actually use his last chance to improve things.  (((HUGS)))


acoward15 said...

Stay strong.

deshelestraci said...

You are such a saint.  10 years is a long time!  I'm praying for a change from him.

jckfrstross said...

keep up the wall. but at least he apologized to your mom, now if he can do it with everyone and you too keeping you all in prayer


queeniemart said...

my fingers are crossed and i am praying for ALL of you!!!!! Love,lisa

imgr8phil said...

You are doing all you can do here.  He needs to change for all of your sakes.  Hang in there and stay strong.  Have a good hump day tomorrow.


lisa41076 said...

Sharon, keeping you in my thoughts, Hugs Lisa

ab45yui said...

You are such an encouragement to me, I'm glad you are standing your ground!  God Bless.

mpnaz58 said...

He still has a lot to prove, and you are wise to have that wall up.  Ten years is a long time of second chances.  If he truly wants this to work, he will make it so.  Its also a long time to just throw it away.  Don't be hasty, just be smart.  Take care...
xoxo ~Myra

eml625 said...

Its a start, yes. But your right, dont let your guard down, there still is a lot of proving on his part. One day at a time so to speak.
I'm here for you

nay0114 said...

Yikes I hear all this and it's a bad dejavu for me. The sleeping, the History channel, the war movies, the drinking and spending no time with us. When you said you never want to come home. That's an awful feeling isn't it because I was there too. Everytime I get sad or depressed over my divorce I have to keep remembering that I had that feeling and that resentment for someone that was suppose to love me the way I loved him and was suppose to be there for his children, but never was.
I wish you the best I really do. At least you all were able to get it out in the open and talk.. John would never talk with me about anything.
Take care, Chrissie