Thursday, June 15, 2006

Oh No! I've Got Homework

Yep...I've been given a homework assignment and 2 weeks to complete it.  Trust me this is one assignment that is NOT going to be easy. 

Dealing with Tara's panic attacks is not easy, hell dealing with my own is no piece of cake either.  Miss T had 2 episodes recently so I decided to go to her therapy appointment on Wednesday, since I had not been for the last 3.  Once there, the counselor said she was glad I came in because she needed to touch base.  So did I.

Well, it seems that all of T's worries rolled up into one big blob do not compare to a particular worry she has over her biological dad.  This throws me a bit, because, well, she's never known the man.  He was outta her life real fast, not long after her birth, (thank GOD) and never returned.  He died in 2002...I was elated!  Literally.  I hated this man..he put me in a bad position, stole from me and my family, was a habitual liar, and said he was sterile HELLO! and on and on......

Anyway in a therapy session some 4 weeks ago, Miss T had one of her panic attacks when she was asked about her "dad"....when pushed about it her comments were that she was "afraid he'd come back and get revenge" against her mommy.  WOW, where did this come from?  I guess she's watched too many cartoons and made up her own fixation.  We've never told her the bad things, as a matter of fact, we don't talk about "him" at all....she asked and I answered a few questions.  I don't even know how she found out he had died.  Oh well, I guess kids hear things we don't realize they do.  Which is also funny because no one talks about this man....rarely ever!

I was reminded yesterday how concerned I was about putting her into public school for Kindergarten way back when.  He was still alive and had been known to be in the area...only because he would still call my Nanny and made mention about "the swing in the yard"...I freaked out.  It was like we were being stalked!  OMG....I began to panic.  What if he was "hiding in the bushes" somewhere?  What if he went in to her school and got her out?????  I was reminded that Tara was in my office when I was discussing this with my co-worker.

OMG...she may have overheard this and this could be where she came up with the idea of "coming back and getting revenge".


My homework:  to make a list of the good and bad things about this man.  Trouble is there was not much good.  And I don't really want to start rehashing that part of my life.

The therapist seems to think that Tara needs to know how I coped with this.  That I became (a bitch) a strong woman in order to deal with "him" and my life.  That there was good stuff about him (????) but that the things on my bad list were reasons for him leaving and leaving her alone.  That he died because of a heart attack (lifestyle - diabetes, emphasema, spinal cancer) and that he is in "heaven" (????) and that once dead, you cannot hurt anyone at anytime.  She even suggested visiting the grave.  HUH?????  I don't even know where that is....I have somewhat of an idea, but I was not involved with that at all.  As a matter of a fact, when this happended I even asked the guy at the funeral home "did you actually SEE him and recognize HIM as this person?".....he had often talked of "faking" his death and taking over someone else's identity (due to past indiscretions).

See why I don't want to do this homework?  I never wanted to have to go there.  Tom came into T's life when she was 10 months old...I had just hoped that she would accept him as Dad (she does) and never question anything.  In daycare, about age 4, she asked me "was Tom there when I was born?"....what could I say?  I had said that I would never lie to her.  So, I had to say No.  This was her first reality that there was another dad.  I gently told her that her "real dad" could not take care of her or be the Dad he knew she needed was why he left.  End of story.

This man came into my life very quickly...I knew nothing of his background.  After a couple of months, he showed up at my door one night needing a place to stay for a while, and in my ignorance I did not say "hell no".  I should have seen the red flags, but he was painting a "rose colored" picture...full of promises.  Yeah, right!  True colors eventually came through.  This man was possessed...literally, the demonic kind.  Voices came from his body and his voice box was not vibrating.....he came for me in a rage one night, clearly not himself, I did not know what to do.  I began to sing "Jesus Loves Me" and this man fell like a rag doll.  He did not remember either incidence.  He even held a knife to my throat once.   Once, I came home to find a "suicide note" left by him and an empty Rx bottle (I'm sure he flushed them)...did I call 911?  NO....I just sat in my chair and pondered the situation.  I said "Lord, what do I do?" and I did nothing but just sit there.

The night I brought Miss T home from the hospital, he berated me with awful words all into the night, calling me names and keeping me upset.  I called my Mom at 2am...she came over and he admitted his abuse, but had no reason or excuse for it.  He had moved out of my bedroom (thank GOD) and I was having a tough time getting him out of the home which I owned.  I was nonchallant to him, could care less what happened to this man, didn't care whether he lived or died.  He was a diabetic by now and his leg muscles were affected and when they'd give out, and he'd fall, I would just step over him and not even offer to help him up.  He called me a cold hearted bitch and I said "yes I am thanks to you".  9 months later he was living in his truck.

(The next month I met Tom when she was 10 months old.)

X was allowed visitation...he paid very very little child support.  One day he came to pick up Miss T and take her to the local fast food joint and asked me for $5 to buy her some food with.  It wasn't long until he was gone...across country.  Running away from responsibilites and legal problems he had gotten into.  Every now and then he was back in this area, but he never contacted me.  This was scarey, gave me the idea he was "lurking in the shadows".

Tom & I eventually married in 2002....2 weeks later X died.  I danced and sang (forgive me), but I felt a big weight lifted from me.  I had already terminated his parental rights a long time before and had T's name changed legally to my maiden name, which I still use.  It was the name I allowed her to know as her own, not the surname given to her at birth.  Ileft X's name on the birth certificate, I thought it was only fair and right, I mean, what if there came a time when medically she needed this information.  And like I said I wasn't going to lie to her and it would not have been right to list the father as "unknown"...that was an option too.  How embarassing that could have been for her.

I have a lot of anger and hatrid for this man (ya think?) so you can see why I do not want to do my homework!


onecrabn3lilfish said...

I really have no idea what to say.  That was purely horrible and I am so happy that you were able to get away from him and start a new happier life.  It sounds like the X seriously had mental issues and I can understand you were relieved when he died.  Imagine if he was still around.  Good luck with your homework.  I wonder if positive things could be stuff like the X helped make a beautiful wonderful daughter.  Or just state he did take her for outtings to mcdonalds and leave out the bad stuff.  Does the therapist really think Tara could benefit from knowing the bad truth about this guy?  


barebytes said...

Just three words..... Let it go.  It's the past and although she needs to know these things, it shouldn't haunt you for all your days. It's over and done with, time to move on. And when you move on, so can she. Kids feel what their parents feel and sometimes the words don't have to be spoken. Just let it go and in time she will also follow and let it go. The past makes us who we are, but once we;ve grown, the need to hang on to it is useless. You are smart not to lie to her, but not telling her all the truth keep her mind always thinking. The two of you can do this, you are strong enough now to let it be in the past. Hugs Lanny

jckfrstross said...

i agree with lanny good luck:)


chat2missie said...

I do feel you with T's panic attacks.  My daughter went thru them.  Still does evey now and then.  I'm not all the keen on therapists. We stopped having my daughter see a therapist.  It was such a joke.  I think they sometimes but thoughts in children's minds.  Good Luck.

mastersblynn said...

Follow your heart. T is your child and not the therapist.  They don't know everything!  You are her mother and you have been with her all through her life.  I think you should give her the least amount of information that you feel she needs.  Sometimes it is better not to know.  You aren't lieing to her, but she is too young to handle all of this right now.  Just let her know that you love her and Tom loves her and you are all family now.  If she asks about her father, just tell her that he brought her into this world, but you and Tom will be there for her in the world.  Pray and ask God for guidance.  Tell the therapist that you do not want to bring up the past, it is gone.  You want to look to the future.  Hugs, Barbara

cacklinrosie101 said...

Wow, that is a tough one.  I suppose if it helps Tara get rid of the anxiety it might be worth it but the graveside visit...hmmm...I guess it would show her that he is gone.  Don't ever let her think he faked his death.  What a mixed up mess that is.  Wish you lots of luck.  HUGS  Chris

pennietoonz said...

Sorry to hear about this, Sharon. I hope Miss T can get through this and move on. I`m sure she will... just like her mamma.
Love ya,

newsworthy822 said...

wow..that would be VERY tough. this guy sounds like a sociopath. I guess there is good in everyone, but this guy sounds like he just might be the exception. LOL. Good luck, and hope it will help Tara!

queeniemart said...

Your ex was an evil man and you have been a wonderful mom by doing all you have done. I know how hard it is as a kid and teen to think all these insane crazy thoughts and wonder over and over, am i safe and am i loved. I am so sorry Tara is going thru all of this..sounds like she needs answers. Maybe after getting them, she will be ok.
LOVE YOU so,lisa

randlprysock said...

Sharon, so glad this man is gone and out of your life. You are such a beautiful person and your daughter too.  I am so thankful to have you as my friend and so glad you both have Tom now.  Hugs,